The Mourning

Every now and then you're lucky enough to meet a person & upon your first meeting you realize you're gonna be fast friends. That was Katie & I. She & I were so much alike it wasn't even funny. We were like family. The kind that u are completely transparent to because for some unknown reason you have a connection - a bond beyond definition. We often talked about how we could go a week without talking & send a simple text "lunch?" & that was enough. No elaborate convos or minute by minute play by plays. We were us...dirty hair, no makeup...who cares! We would often show up in the same outfit somewhere- without even planning it. We are both horrible housekeepers & that was just fine with us. 

2 weeks ago, she left us- I struggle so much with whether I was a good enough friend- but there is no doubt in my mind that she knew how much I loved her. I am the worst at expressing my feelings- I can write them all day but I stutter like a school girl when it comes to spilling them in person. I'll never ever forget her. I thought she was so gorgeous- her smile & black hair. Her confidence was infectious. The way she raised her eyebrow extra high when she smiled- those are the small things that I'll never forget. The sting of death & mourning can never overshadow the Katie I knew. For that Katie transcends any pain or sorrow- her joy was contagious- her love for her children- her nurturing nature- her compassion... It can never be replaced in my heart. That's how I will remember her- with joy & laughter & the way she cared for everyone.  She leaves behind an imprint- a ray of light- & that's what I choose to remember- her vibrancy, her radiant joy. She was always so concerned for others- It was just her. A caregiver. 

The death of a friend or loved one does something to us. It hurts us. It makes us reflect. It makes us reminisce. It makes us choose- it forces us to choose how we grieve. If there's one thing I've learned in my not so many years on this earth- it's that emotions are like snowflakes. No one feels the same emotions as you do- your emotions are unique to you. God made us all individuals, living, breathing, existing together yet separate of one another in so many ways. But we have one God, and He doesn't waver, He doesn't falter nor does He fail us. No matter what emotion we are feeling we can turn to Him- for He is always our help in the time of need. If it's anger you're feeling- He's there. If it's desperation- He's there. He will give you peace like nothing else can. We get so caught up in how we should act or feel when really- all we should do is give it up to God. Feel confident in your emotions- let them out- feel the freedom in giving it to God. After all, that's what Jesus died for- to give us life eternal, with no worries or fears. No strife or pain. In this world it's hard for me to see beyond today- it's certainly hard for me to see beyond eternity. To see that this world is not our home- that the things of the flesh are only dust- vapors that when we get to heaven won't be missed. As I remain on this earth I will miss my sweet friend- but I know that one day I will see her smile again & there will be no tears- no regrets. 

Until then I will lean on God for strength. I will think of her everytime I'm shopping, or hugging her beautiful children. I will want to pick up my phone to call her or send a silly e-card. I will cry, I will laugh, I will be angry, I will ask why, I will feel empty, I will feel full, I will feel complete, I will feel lost- because those are all signs of life- and I will strive to never forget to turn to God in every emotion & thank Him for everything I am feeling. For it is life- it is flesh- it is human. I will never forget my friend even as years pass- but more than that I will never forget a God that has shown Himself time & time again inspite of my shortcomings and humanly failures. He is my rock & my shield, my comforter. If you're looking for a peace that you can't seem to find, a light in a time of darkness- know that He who spoke the world into existence can start something new in you. 

"I pray that God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ will be kind to you and will bless you with peace! Praise God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! The Father is a merciful God, who always gives us comfort. He comforts us when we are in trouble, so that we can share that same comfort with others in trouble. We share in the terrible sufferings of Christ, but also in the wonderful comfort he gives." (2 Corinthians 1:2-5)